


Just Breathe

by JaceRMontague



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Thought Projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 06:18:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10299485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaceRMontague/pseuds/JaceRMontague
Summary: Emma hasn't slept because Emma can't find the notes from class and she needs them, she needs them, she needs them. And when Regina finds out that Emma isn't in the best place at a little before five in the morning she promises she'll be there for Emma and maybe, just maybe, Emma needs Regina more than she realised.





	

Her leg bounced beneath her and her thumb moved across the fidget cube in her hand so fast it had become a blur.

 

She’d been fine forty minutes ago.

She’d been fine.

She’d been fine.

 

Sure, she hadn’t been great but she’d been okay. She hadn’t fallen asleep yet but she had been nearly calm even with her heat beating faster than usual. She hadn’t been relaxed but she’d had been lying down watching Netflix.

 

 And then she had realised that she hadn’t copied her notes from the last class because she’d been using loose sheets instead of her notebook because she was going straight out that night and couldn’t being her notebook. She couldn’t. She couldn’t.

 

And now it was nearly four am and she couldn’t copy the notes because she couldn’t find the notes because she couldn’t find the bag.

 

The quiet clicking from the cube in her hand was starting to stress her out and without noticing she rolled it over in her palm and started spinning the marble on one of the other sides.

 

She could feel her heart racing, her breath quickening, her throat drying.

 

She locked and unlocked her phone, watching the screen flicker on and off and on and off and on and off. She hadn’t realised she’d left messenger open until a message caused the screen to light up again.

 

She glanced at the screen, unlocking it without really looking at it as her eyes scanned around her room looking for the bag still.

 

_Emma. Are you okay? Why are you awake?_

 

She dropped the phone without replying, still scanning the room, leaning over the edge of the bed silently moving the pile of clothes that had been building up in case the bag and ended up mixed in with her clothes, not moving too much in case she made a noise which would woke her foster family which would result in her being told off which would result in her head feeling so much worse, her thoughts moving so much faster, the weight on her chest so much heavier.

 

_Emma?_

Her phone lit up again.

 

She glanced at the screen and actually _looked_ at it this time. The message was from Regina. Regina who was just finishing a night shift at the hospital she was interning at. Regina who was probably exhausted, and sleepy, and bone weary, and stressed from looking after people. Regina who instead of falling asleep had seen that Emma was awake and wanted to know if she was okay because she knew that Emma wasn’t okay because if she was she wouldn’t be online at four in the morning.

 

 

Emma couldn’t find a way to respond. She didn’t know how to. She wasn’t okay. But she didn’t want Regina to know because she couldn’t be a burden, she just couldn’t be a burden. So, she locked the screen once more and went back looking for her notes.

 

She needed the notes, she needed to breathe, she needed quiet.

 

Her phone buzzed beside her and she answered it on instinct, on auto pilot because her mind wasn’t getting quieter, it was getting louder and she needed a distraction. She only realised she had answered the phone call when she heard Regina’s gently voice cut through her thoughts.

 

“I know you can’t make noise because of the family but I’m gonna talk anyway and you listen.” Emma pressed the screen, the beeping it made was the way that Regina knew Emma was listening. A code they had created six months ago when Emma had first been sent to this particular foster home and had been shouted out for taking a late-night phone call.

 

“Okay good, I need you to take deep breaths, Em. I can hear you hyperventilating.”

 

Emma nodded even though she knew Regina couldn’t see her. She took a deep breath that verged on a gasp.

 

“Oh Em.” Regina whispered

 

“I know you can’t leave your room right now but in… twenty three minutes you can go for your run. And I’m gonna be outside your house and we can run or we can talk or we can do whatever you need. But I’ll be there, okay?”

 

Emma pressed the screen of her phone again.

 

“See you in a few minutes, Emma. I love you.”

 

Before Emma could find a way to reply that was more than pressing a button, Regina hung up.

 

As fast as the thoughts had quietened they came back with a vengeance because she couldn’t find the notes, she couldn’t find the notes, she couldn’t find the notes, and now Regina was going to be here and she didn’t want to be a burden but she was, she was, she was and she didn’t want Regina to see her like this again but she was going to, she was going to, she was going to.

 

Regina was going to see Emma falling apart and she was going to see Emma as weak and she was going to see Emma unravelling and then she wouldn’t want Emma, she wouldn’t want her, she wouldn’t want her.

 

Emma felt her heart race even more because Regina had never seen her this bad before, because Emma could usually keep it together, keep herself together, keep her mind in check and she hadn’t, she hadn’t, she hadn’t.

 

Regina knew that this was a thing that happened to Emma, of course she did, she couldn’t have dated someone for nearly eight months and love them as hard, as much, as she loved Emma and not notice the tics on deadline days, and days Emma had been shouted at by yet another foster family, and days when Emma hadn’t slept enough or had slept too much. She couldn’t study medicine and psychology and not know that there was a chemical imbalance in Emma’s brain. But Emma had always capped it before she spiraled this far, always found a way to keep the racing heartbeat and the hyperventilating and the burning eyes and dry throat and teary eyes and the manic thoughts about things that shouldn’t even matter from Regina. Regina had been there for the smaller panics, the ‘I can’t do this presentation’ and, ‘I forgot to load the dishwasher before I left the house, I’m going to be in trouble when I get back’, and ‘I don’t think this work is good enough’ panics.

 

This was the first time that she’d be there when it got this bad, though she knew it wasn’t the first time that it had got this bad; Ruby had told her when Emma and Regina had first got together, told Regina that she can’t mess Emma about because Emma’s head wasn’t the most stable of things to live with, that Emma panics, and she freaks but she’d been getting better since the last time she’d gotten so bad that other people took notice, that she’d been sent to a new foster home because the family she’d been placed couldn’t handle the crying, barely breathing teenager who couldn’t think straight they’d found in their bathroom at two am.

 

Emma’s phone started beeping beside her, the alarm that went off at 4:45 every day because no matter what she would be on the street running at 5. Rain or sun or snow or sleet she’d be running. A day without running was an awful day. Guaranteed. Today wasn’t going to be a good day if she ran or not, she knew that, she hadn’t slept, she was panicking, Regina was about to find out that she was a complete wreck but if she didn’t run it would be a worse day.

 

Emma pressed the home button and slid out of bed, finally making noise, she pulled her running clothes out of the drawers and pulled them on, kicking her pyjama’s to the floor. She tugged her trainers on without unlacing them. She spent five minutes looking around her room, moving fast, moving frantically, looking for the notes because she needed the notes because she needed to copy the notes and she couldn’t find them, she couldn’t find them, she couldn’t find them.

 

Defeated and stressed out she left her room, grabbing her phone from where she’d left it on her bed, grabbing her headphones, because she needed to drown out her thoughts if she wanted to seem even remotely calm when she saw Regina, she needed to drown the thoughts out, she needed to drown them.

 

She slipped out of the front door at exactly 5am, making sure not to make too much noise. She slid her keys into her windbreaker pocket and glanced up. And there, at the end of the driveway was Regina. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail that had been mussed over

the course of her shift, she looked tired her eyes were surrounded by purple from the lack of sleep, she was still in scrubs, she had rushed from the hospital to Emma. Emma met Regina’s eyes and her mind sped up more, somehow. Because Regina was here, Regina was here, Regina was here, and Regina was about to find out and Emma was about to fall apart. That Emma was falling apart. That Emma had fallen apart long ago and had never quite put herself back together.

 

Emma managed to force herself to the end of the driveway because Regina was there for her.

 

Regina took in the sight of her girlfriend in front of her, the blonde was exhausted looking but was shaking slightly with nervous energy, her eyes were sullen but they were flickering slightly with an emotion – with emotions – that Regina couldn’t quite place but she recognized the undertone of pure fear that swam in Emma’s eyes. She noted the fact that Emma’s chest was moving rapidly and shallowly, that Emma wasn’t breathing properly. She reached out and placed a hand against Emma’s sternum.

 

‘Breathe against my hand Em.’ She said softly, her own heart breaking slightly as she felt the speed of Emma’s heart under her own pulse. She could feel Emma’s breathing completely irregular under her hand.

 

Emma looked unsure for a second before nodding and taking a deep breath. She could feel herself calming down, she could feel the anxiety that had coiled itself tightly around her spine loosening and melting away. She continued breathing against Regina’s hand, feeling the stress ebb away slowly.

 

‘Better?’ Regina asked, bringing her other hand up to Emma’s face, her thumb moving along Emma’s jawline softly.

 

Emma nodded against Regina’s palm.

 

‘Want to talk about it?’ Regina asked, her voice soft.

 

She felt Emma tense up beneath her hand, felt her breathing speed up.

 

Emma felt the anxiety coil around her spine again, felt the fluttering of her chest it began tightening again. She didn’t know what to do because she wanted to talk about it, she did, but she couldn’t not without feeling like her heart was been wrung out, not without her chest feeling like it was being stood on, not without her brain feeling like it was exploding because she knew that if she spoke she’d have to figure out what had been beneath the lost notes, she’d have to find out why her heart had been racing for nearly the last two days instead of the last two hours, she’d have to face the feelings she’d been burying for weeks now and it scared her, it scared her, it scared her.

 

‘Woah, okay, breathe against my hand again, Em. We don’t have to talk right now. Just breathe.” Emma nodded and shut her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Regina’s hand on her chest, the feeling of Regina’s hand on her face, her thumb on her jawline. Emma’s left hand found it’s way to her chest, interlocking with Regina’s and squeezing softly as she breathed. Her right hand found Regina’s hip and rested there.

 

After a long moment Emma’s eyes opened slowly, meeting Regina’s. The amount of love and compassion and worry in Regina’s eyes overwhelmed Emma slightly because why would Regina love her like this? Why would Regina love someone who was falling apart?

 

‘Em, you’re tensing again, focus on breathing against my hand sweetheart.’

 

Emma nodded, shutting her eyes again, focusing on Regina’s hand, forcing her thoughts to be quiet while she breathed in and out. She nuzzled against Regina’s hand softly as she opened her eyes once more.

 

‘You okay?’  Regina whispered, as Emerald eyes looked back at her.

 

‘Better.’ Emma replied.

 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ It was asked with caution in case Emma panicked again but instead of falling back into hyperventilation, Emma sighed.

 

‘Right now? Not really’ She admitted. ‘I need to run. I think better when I run.’

 

‘Want me to run with you or do want to run alone?’

 

Emma considered it for a moment. She didn’t want to be alone, she really didn’t but Regina looked exhausted and Emma needed to get her thoughts in order and Emma could run faster, run further than Regina and she needed that, she needed the burn in her lungs and the ache of her legs, she needed to push her own boundaries, her own limits, to the point that everything hurt, that everything ached, that she could think a coherent thought.

 

‘I think I need to do this alone.’ She said as she dug moved her hand from Regina’s hip to her pocket, hooking a finger through the charm she kept on her keys.

 

‘That’s okay, I’ll go sit in my car for a while.’ Regina said softly, moving her hand from Emma’s face but keeping the hand interlaced with Emma’s on the blonde’s chest.

 

Emma fished the keys out of her pocket, handing them to Regina.

 

‘You can go crash in my room while I run.’

 

Regina smiled, grateful. Normally she would have made a teasing joke about whether Emma was saying she looked exhausted, but the flicker of warmth in Emma’s eyes paused her.

 

‘Thanks, Em.’ Regina said as she pressed a kiss to Emma’s forehead, squeezing Emma’s hand softly before letting go and watching as Emma rolled her neck, tugged her headphones on and began running. Regina watched as Emma disappeared around the corner before letting herself into Emma’s house. The family Emma was with at the moment was used to Regina showing up with or without Emma after school or shifts at the hospital and falling asleep in their lounge or Emma’s bedroom. Their house was closer to both the school and the hospital than Regina’s and they had accepted that this brunette would use their home as respite.

 

Regina moved silently through the house, making sure that she didn’t wake anyone because as much as Emma’s foster family had accepted her walking in and out she didn’t want to do anything that would get the blonde in trouble.

 

Regina stepped over the clothes, sketchbooks, and notebooks that were piling up on the ground and dropped down onto Emma’s bed, only just remembering to pull her trainers off her feet. She wanted to sleep, she was desperate to sleep, but she was worried about the blonde who was currently running around the city. She lay there and buried her face in the pillow that lay across the top of the blonde’s bed and wondered how she could get Emma to talk to her, she didn’t want to force the blonde to open up but she wanted to know how she could help, shutting her eyes in an attempt to think.

 

Emma’s feet hit the ground over, and over, and over, and over as she moved through the town, a glance at the sports watch Regina had bought for her last birthday told her she’d ran just over ten miles. Emma could feel her lungs burning, her legs aching, she decided she would turn around at the next corner. She got to the corner and span on her feet, and began racing back, speeding up to the point she thought her lungs would explode. Her mind had been quiet since the sixth mile but now that she was heading back home – Regina, not the house she lived in - now that she had to talk about the thoughts in her head, they were getting louder. She got faster, her pace stronger as she tried to drown the thoughts out again.  She made it three miles, just barely reaching the trashcan at the edge of a park she didn’t recognize, when she doubled over on herself and heaved into the bin, the coffee she’d had for dinner the night before making a reappearance. She couldn’t even run properly without fucking up, she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t do it.

 

She wiped her hand roughly on the back of her hand and looked around, spotting a vender in the park and dug around her pocket, finding the creased $5 she kept on her for emergencies. She walked slowly, her legs shaking from the excursion. She paid for a bottle of water, stuffing the change in her pocket as she emptied the bottle in the few seconds it took her to jog back from the vender to the sidewalk. She threw the empty bottle into the bin she’d emptied her stomach into a few minutes before and then began running once more. Pushing herself as hard as she could – as hard as she had been the last three miles – because she needed it, she needed it, she needed it. She needed the burn of her lungs and the ache of her legs and the way her throat felt like it was on fire.

 

Emma got home nearly an hour later, walking in casually and shutting the door behind her, tripping slightly on the lip of the door with shaking legs. It didn’t matter how much noise she made now, her foster parents left for work before seven and her foster brother had left for college a month ago, though she tried to keep quiet because Regina was there, Regina probably asleep in her bed, Regina, Regina, Regina.

 

Emma used the banister to drag herself up the stairs, her legs barely able to hold her up. She crept into the room and smiled softly at her girlfriend, fast asleep, sprawled out on her stomach, still fully dressed in her scrubs. Part of Emma just wanted to crawl into the bed beside Regina and hold her close but the rest of her knew that she was covered in sweat and smelt like vomit and she needed to shower.

 

Regina didn’t remember falling asleep but she knew she had to have done because when she opened her eyes it was to Emma walking around the room, sifting through her shelves, her soaked and pulled into a messy bun, a grey loose tank hanging around her body, a pair of skintight skinny jeans on.

 

‘I didn’t mean to wake you.’ Emma said softly, turning as Regina rolled over, the rustling of the scrubs letting Emma know Regina was awake.

 

‘You didn’t’ Regina said with a gentle half-awake smile, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

 

‘Did you sleep well?’ Emma said as she moved away from the shelves and sat at the edge of the bed, her legs tucked under her as her right hand rested on Regina’ knee.

 

Regina nodded as she sat up, moving closer to Emma, resting her hand on top of Emma’s.

 

‘That’s good’ Emma whispered, pressing a kiss to the corner of Regina’s mouth.

 

‘How was your run?’

 

Emma shrugged. ‘I did twenty-one miles in two eighteen’ she said.

 

‘Personal Best’ Regina commented with a smile. Managing to hide the worry she was feeling. She was proud of Emma for beating her personal best, she was proud of Emma full stop, but she couldn’t help being worried for her. Emma had beat her personal best on a day when she was at a personal low.

 

‘Yeah, I think I pushed myself too hard though.’ Emma admitted, and somehow Regina felt relief at this, because Emma was talking, Emma was being honest.

 

‘What’d you mean, Em?’

 

‘I threw up on the thirteenth mile. Could barely get up the stairs after I got home.’ She answered, looking away from Regina, knowing the doctor in her girlfriend was thinking in medical terms and symptoms and treatments.

 

‘How’re you feeling now?’ Regina asked cautiously, bringing her hand back to Emma’s face, lifting the blonde’s chin so Emma was meeting her eyes once more.

 

‘Better.’ It was barely a whisper.

 

She thought she was, but all of a sudden her thoughts got loud and she could feel her chest constricting again and she shut her eyes tight.

 

‘Em? What’s going on?’ Regina asked softly.

 

In response Emma moved both hers and Regina’s hands from the brunette’s knee and placed them on her chest once more. Regina took the que and moved her hand beneath Emma’s, her hand finding its position on Emma’s chest.

 

‘I- I don’t know but right now I need this.’ Emma whispered, her voice shaking, her hand squeezing Regina’s lightly, her face pressing into Regina’s hand ever so slightly.

 

‘That’s okay, that’s okay, I’m here Emma, I’m here for you, you just need to breathe darling, I’m here.’ Regina said softly watching how Emma’s body relaxed at her voice, the way that the crease between Emma’s eyebrows faded as she spoke.

 

‘Thank you’ Emma whispered once she was in control of her breathing again.

 

‘Always.’ Regina replied.

 

‘I couldn’t find my notes.’ Emma said as she opened her eyes.

 

‘Class notes?’ Regina asked.

 

Emma nodded against the soft hand.

 

‘I’d been on edge for days and Im not sure why. And then I lost my notes and it pushed me over the edge and I don’t know why and I’m sorry that I’m like this, I’m so sorry Gi. I’m sorry.’ She rambled, her voice shaking as a tear fell. Regina wiped the tear away with the pad of her thumb.

 

‘No, don’t apologise for this, for you, Emma this is okay, you’re allowed to break sometimes, Em. You don’t need to stay together all the time. You can break and I’ll be here. Always.’ Regina whispered.

 

‘But what if I break completely?’ Emma asked. This had been something Emma had worried about for years. What if she got worse than she is now? What if she forgot what a good day felt like? What if she forgot what being okay was?

 

‘I won’t let you lose yourself.’ Regina promised, nothing but sincerity in her voice.

 

Emma nodded and blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill.

 

‘Thank you, Gi.’

 

Regina just smiled softly in response. The two sat there for a long while, just touching, just feeling Emma’s heartbeat under their hands, just looking at each other because this was the first time that Emma was calm, completely calm, her heart wasn’t fluttering, her breathing wasn’t shuddering, her head was quiet because Regina was there, Regina was holding her and hadn’t been scared away and was looking at her with warmth and compassion and not pity and sympathy and Emma could handle that, she was comfortable with that.

 


End file.
